SURGEON FAILS TO SEPARATE BRAD AND ANGELINA
Latest Case of Conjoined Celebrities Baffles Medical Expert
A surgeon who specializes in separating conjoined celebrities said today that he had been unable to separate actor Brad Pitt and actress Angelina Jolie, the latest Hollywood couple to be afflicted with the condition.
Dr. Davis Logsdon made the announcement at the University of Minnesota Medical Center after an eighteen-hour procedure to separate the couple failed.
“We employed every measure known to medical science,” said a visibly exhausted Dr. Logsdon. “But we have come to the conclusion that the couple known as ‘Brangelina’ is, for all intents and purposes, inseparable.”
Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie are just the latest example of what some in the medical community are calling an epidemic of conjoined celebrities, a condition in which two celebrities appear to share no major organs in common but are inseparable nonetheless.
But unlike other conjoined celebrities, Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie drew the attention of Dr. Logsdon because of growing sentiment around the world that the ubiquitous photos of the couple building sand castles and playing with Ms. Jolie’s countless children had to be stopped.
While Dr. Logsdon was disappointed that the medical procedure to separate the two celebrities failed, he did offer one glimmer of hope.
“Sometimes this condition goes away on its own,” Dr. Logsdon said. “Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes appeared inseparable right before their summer movies came out, but since then, not so much.”
Elsewhere, United Nations ambassador John Bolton was evicted from his New York apartment building today after reportedly frightening residents by telling them that “if the building lost ten stories it would not make a big difference.”
Borowitzreport.com