carapace – Not your father's america

By Ed Quillen
The Denver Post
07/29/2010

In late July 2011, Colorado Gov. Tom Tancredo announced a press conference. These could be feisty affairs, and the governor enjoyed mixing it up.

Tancredo was the first third-party governor elected since 1892. His victory in 2010 had been a surprise. The scandal-plagued Republican had never gained traction after the primary. The Democrat, Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper, had been well ahead in the polls before he was struck by lightning at an outdoor rally shortly before the election.

"Governor," came the first question. "Do you plan to issue the traditional Colorado Day proclamation for Aug. 1, to celebrate 135 years of statehood?"

"Why is that anything to celebrate?" Tancredo parried. "It means we’re part of a country headed by Barack Obama, a greater threat than al-Qaeda, indeed the greatest threat to liberty since Abraham Lincoln."

Tancredo’s press secretary interjected. "The governor meant to say ‘Jefferson Davis.’"

Tancredo interrupted. "No, I meant Lincoln. He subjugated sovereign states, a great loss to liberty. Recall my speech to the League of the South last winter?"

The press secretary cringed, but the topic shifted with the next question. "Any other reason not to celebrate Colorado Day, governor?"

"Sure. Having a Spanish name for our American dominion doubtless attracts illegal immigrants. So I shall soon propose a constitutional amendment to change us to the State of Red. Granted, that is also the electoral-map color of the Republican Party, which refused to obey my wishes in 2010, and it was the shade of Communism. But as an American Constitutionalist, I want to be inclusive."

Tancredo went on. "And Aug. 1 commemorates the day our state constitution took effect. Talk about a defective document. How many times have we had to amend it? Hundreds, I bet. And did you know that at first it had three official languages, German, Spanish and English? Sounds more like an occasion for mourning than celebration."

A reporter changed the subject. "Governor, in your inaugural address, you promised to undo the damage done by your predecessor, Bill Ritter. How’s that going?"

"Glad you asked," Tancredo said. "As you recall, I criticized our state Supreme Court for finding loopholes in TABOR so the government can raise taxes by calling them ‘fees.’ But we’re taking advantage of that to repair some of Ritter’s destruction. We’re going to impose hefty annual fees on solar panels and windmills. Those eyesores will either come down, or they’ll contribute plenty to the state treasury."

"What will the money be used for?"

"We’ll set up an economic development fund to encourage the oil and gas companies to drill a lot more. Patriotic, hard-working companies like BP need a helping hand after Obama’s Chicago-style shakedown."

Tancredo wasn’t finished. "And I’m reversing that decision to switch power plants to natural gas. We’ve got lots of coal in Colorado, and it was put here for us to burn. Climate change is total [expletive deleted], and besides, putting some color into our boring clear skies should increase tourism."

Another reporter spoke up. "Governor, are you really in favor of secession?"

Tancredo smiled. "There’s no need to secede. There are flaws in the Colorado Statehood Enabling Act of March 3, 1875. We’ll soon be a sovereign nation, able to seal our own borders. And then, to keep us safe, I’ll order our Sky Militia, currently known as the Air National Guard, to bomb Mecca and Medina out of existence."

"Thank you for coming," the press secretary shouted before hustling the governor away.

Ed Quillen (ekquillen@gmail.com) of Salida is a regular contributor to The Denver Post.

Complete article at:

http://www.denverpost.com/quillen/ci_15624967