carapace – Not your father's america

February 8, 2010

Toyota Unveils New Slogan: “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”
Hopes to Reverse Public Relations Setbacks

TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Hoping to reverse a series of public relations setbacks, Toyota today unveiled a new slogan, “Drive a Toyota. You’ll Never Stop.”

Company spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal. And Keeps it There.”

Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, “Toyota. The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.”

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter. twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Upcoming Events

May 11, 2010 at 07:00 PM

Washington, DC!
Andy performs in the acclaimed storytelling show, THE LIAR SHOW.

Location:
JCC-DC, 1529 Sixteenth Street NW, Washington DC 20036
For tickets go to JCC-DC http://thejdc.convio.net/site/Calendar/1783880130?view=Detail&id=122081

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

February 4, 2010

Toyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great
Rest Your Beverages With Confidence, Says Carmaker

TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”

“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Tokyo spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke. “Our cup holders are world-class.”

But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.

“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said. “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”

Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.”

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter twitter.com/BorowitzReport .

Upcoming Events

May 11, 2010 at 07:00 PM

Washington, DC!
Andy performs in the acclaimed storytelling show, THE LIAR SHOW.

Location:
JCC-DC, 1529 Sixteenth Street NW, Washington DC 20036
For tickets go to JCC-DC http://thejdc.convio.net/site/Calendar/1783880130?view=Detail&id=122081

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

February 2, 2010
Andy Borowitz BorowitzReport.com

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Mounting budget deficits for the foreseeable future may “greatly hamper” the U.S.’s ability to wage pointless wars, a leading Pentagon general says.

According to Gen. Blanton Creegan, “The days of our invading a country for no reason whatsoever may be at an end.”

Gen. Creegan adds, “In the past, we were able to start a war with a country simply because we said they might have WMD – now, we may actually have to check first.”

The General says that the Pentagon was especially worried that, given the new budget constraints, the United States may no longer be able to engage in “open-ended quagmires with no end in sight.”

“We still have the money to put boots on the ground,” he says. “But we can’t afford to put anyone in those boots.”

“Going forward, we are going to need to have a reason for going to war, a clearly defined mission, and a realistic exit strategy,” Gen. Creegan adds. “This could put us out of business.”

Reflecting on the waning of America’s ability to engage in pointless conflict, the General waxes philosophical: “It was fun while it lasted.”

Follow at: twitter.com/BorowitzReport

February 3, 2010

Chris Matthews Sees Avatar; Forgets Characters are Blue
Host Attempts to Explain Latest Remarks

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – On his television program Hardball last night, host Chris Matthews revealed that he had seen the Oscar-nominated film Avatar and for an hour had forgotten that the alien characters, the Na’vi, were blue.

“I’m sitting there in the theater with my 3-D glasses on and here are these blue creatures talking to a bunch of white guys,” Mr. Matthews said. “And for about an hour there I totally forgot they were blue.”

Despite an awkward silence from his on-air guests, Mr. Matthews continued: “I mean, I totally forgot they were blue. And I forgot that they had three fingers and looked like cats.”

“It says a lot about where our society is in 2010 that a bunch of white guys can be talking with a bunch of blue cat people with three fingers, in 3-D and what have you, and nobody makes a big deal out of it,” he said. “I mean, that blows my mind in a way.”

Mr. Matthews revealed that in addition to forgetting that the Avatar characters were blue, earlier in the day he had also forgotten his car keys, his home address, and to put his pants on.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Upcoming Events

May 11, 2010 at 07:00 PM

Washington, DC!
Andy performs in the acclaimed storytelling show, THE LIAR SHOW.

Location:
JCC-DC, 1529 Sixteenth Street NW, Washington DC 20036
For tickets go to JCC-DC http://thejdc.convio.net/site/Calendar/1783880130?view=Detail&id=122081

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

February 1, 2010

Hollywood Eager to Finally Fuck Up ‘Catcher in the Rye’
Producers Scramble to Wreck Masterpiece

HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) – Just hours after author J.D. Salinger passed away at his New Hampshire home on Wednesday, Hollywood studios were already salivating at the chance to finally ruin his masterpiece, Catcher in the Rye.

“If we are fortunate enough to acquire the rights to Mr. Salinger’s book, we pledge to stay faithful to the spirit of Catcher in the Rye,” said Dougy Binstock, a producer at Columbia Pictures. “And the best way to do that is by producing it as a rock opera.”

But even as Mr. Binstock was bidding for the rights to produce a film he hopes to call Phantom of the Rye, Mindy Hammerfur, an executive at Paramount Pictures, said she thought Salinger’s book was “seriously in need of a reboot.”

“We never find out in the book how Holden Caulfield becomes the catcher in the rye,” said Ms. Hammerfur. “The movie really needs to be kind of a prequel.”

But of all the potential bidders hoping to desecrate Catcher in the Rye, Avatar director James Cameron may have the inside track.

“I loved this book as a boy and I’m not going to change a thing,” Mr. Cameron said, “except for adding blue space-cats.”

Elsewhere, CBS said it had rejected an ad for a gay dating site for the 2010 Super Bowl, but that it would still air three hours of men in tight pants slapping each other on the ass. More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter. twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Upcoming Events

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Watch this space for Andy’s upcoming shows in Washington, D.C., New York and elsewhere.

http://www.borowitzreport.com/